I was reading the news on the BBC web site the other day and noticed that following a security warning, the government had deployed tanks at Heathrow airport. “Impressive”, I thought, “that will make any would be terrorists think twice”, and moved on to another article. Latter in the day I started thinking again about the idea of deploying tanks at a major airport. How, exactly, would a seventy ton main battle tank prevent a crazed fundamentalist from running amok in terminal two? What’s the plan, drive through the glass frontage and fire an 80mm depleted uranium amour piercing shell at the hand grenade wielding madman?

“Got ‘im Sir!”
“Well done, Perkins and only 243 innocent bystanders killed, that’s some nice shooting.”
“Thank you very much Sir! Can I try the flame thrower now?”

No wonder we don’t have any serviceable tanks to send to the Gulf, there all too busy driving round and round Heathrow airport looking for somewhere to park.

“Come on sonny, you can’t leave that there.”
“But I’m protecting the public from fundamentalist terrorists.”
“Double yellows.”
“But ….”
“Come on, move it along!”

The short stay car park is currently full of Chieftain tanks all paying £80 a day parking fees and crewed by soldiers looking for swarthy Arab types driving Nissan Bluebirds with fake tax disks and rocket launchers fixed to the roof rack.

It turned out that the security alert was due to inelegance that someone was going to try and fire a shoulder mounted heat seeking missile to bring down a plane. The governments response, park a tank outside the main terminal. While I don’t know a great deal about the layout of major international airports, I do know that the entrance to the terminal is nowhere near the runway. Somehow, I can’t see the terrorists trying to gain a clear line of sight to the runway by walking through the main terminal to get to the observation lounge.

“Hey, Hussein, get a trolley, this missile launchers heavy.”

Having said that, judging by recent airport security blunders, being inside the terminal is probably the one place you are least likely to get caught. While airport security staff are busy body searching old ladies for lethal crochet hooks, your average common or garden fundamentalist with half a kilo of plastic explosives packed in his Nikes can walk straight onto a transatlantic flight. While the FBI did say that the explosive devices were extremely sophisticated, you’d think your average airport security guard would be able to spot a pair of shoes with a fuse sticking out the back of each heel. Short of writing Acme down the side of each one and making them actually fizz, it would seem no one even noticed.

Luckily, while the shoes were extremely sophisticated, the man wearing them was a complete moron. The first rule of terrorism is to be invisible. His initial mistake was not to wear flight socks. Anyone not immediately changing into a pair of elasticated stockings four sizes too small as the plane is taxing to the runway is now regarded with extreme suspicion by the rest of the passengers. It’s a scientifically proven fact that not wearing flight socks will result in your legs swelling to one hundred times there normal size followed by instantaneous death by a blood clot the size of a football the second the plane has climbed twelve feet off the ground. This fundamental error caused the six people in the seats around him to lecture him on the dangers of dehydration, altitude sickness, deep vain thrombosis and the benefits of tight socks. When he still refused to change his socks he was immediately marked down as a troublemaker by his fellow passengers. As the fateful moment finally came to ignite the shoes, he made his second and most basic mistake. The ‘advanced’ explosive shoes were to be detonated by a fuse that required lighting like a firework (very sophisticated). To perform this task the would be mass murderer withdrew a box of matches from his pocket. His fate was sealed. While air travellers will put up with squealing babies, drunks, louts and all manor of unsavoury behaviour, the merest hint that someone is about to smoke will invoke the wrath of the entire plane in a manor reminiscent of a rampaging mob. Before he had even struck the match, two dozen people had tutted very loudly, five had pressed the flight attendant button and the old lady sitting next to him had stabbed him with a drinking straw roughly fashioned into a crochet hook. Within seconds, he was being restrained by half a dozen flight attendants and was subdued by a doctor with sedatives (although that does raise the question of why a doctor was carrying enough sedatives to knock a man out in his carry on luggage)?

Since September 11th, the old fashioned idea of hijacking a plane is now no longer possible. Before you have even uttered the words “this plane is going to Iran / Palestine / Jordan / Cardiff” (delete as appropriate), everyone within easy reach is pouring boiling water over you while those further back are patiently queuing to slash you with there plastic knifes. Changes to the internal design of planes to make them hijack proof now include bullet proof cabin doors, gas release systems, armed air marshals and a medieval torcher chamber with public viewing gallery. The simple idea of using a plane as a means to seek asylum now results in a guaranteed beating. In fact just having olive coloured skin puts you on very dodgy ground if you are boarding a western flight. There is a very good chance you are going to get roughed up and treated very poorly (and that’s just from the check in staff). Heaven help you if you order the halal meal!

Of course if you want to guarantee that you will arrive at your destination safely, there is only one airline to choose, El Al, Israel’s national carrier. While other airlines have you checked-in in a mere two hours, it takes four days to get through the tough-but-fair El Al check-in procedures. You are then escorted onto the plane by your own personal MOSSAD security guard who gives you a quick lesson in how to rip out a terrorists throat with your bare hands. You are not only given a metal knife and fork but also a machete, a pair of knuckle dusters and a semi-automatic machine pistol with hollow point anti personnel rounds (although the safety is on as they wouldn’t want to be seen to be irresponsible). As an added bonus, on flights to Israel, you can keep the gun as a souvenir. There has never been a single hijacking on an El Al flight, although one attempted hijacking did result in 137 people being shot in the crossfire!

The main thing to remember when flying these days is that at any one time there are over 5000 planes in the sky. You are far more likely to hit another plane than to be hijacked by terrorists, but that’s another story.